Introducing ‘Inhabited Silence’
My new series of paintings is quite different to my last. Here I dive into the background to give some context to the paintings.
Lit, oil on paper, 76x56cm
I’ve previously described myself as an artist that ‘paints light in search of truth’. Since last year, events have forced me to re-evaluate that. Because the light can only ever be half of the picture. I kept coming up against the fact that pictorially, for the light to even become visible, it needs contrast against a darker field. I have struggled artistically with how to attach myself to passages of darker colours. My paintings were becoming whiter, with the paint almost hovering on the surface as though they didn’t want to lay claim to belonging to the formality of ‘being a painting’. It struck me that I was edging towards minimalism, but more by default than conscious choice. Though beautiful, the colours and marks veered between tentative and attacking. Crazed yet lucid, defiant yet vulnerable, much like the dynamic of an addict.
I began to arrive at the truth that as an artist, I was unwell on some level. Although my paintings belong to the process and moment of their own becoming, and in that sense they stand alone from me as an individual, art was mirroring life for me. I felt stretched beyond capacity (a familiar sensation for an empath) and like I had been pulled too far in the wrong direction until I had lost my elasticity: my creative resilience.
There was no choice for me but to consciously simplify my life. To look deeply at the underlying patterns and currents of energy that were playing out to my detriment and to prioritise creative health. In the liminal space between distancing myself from harmful behaviour and moving into a richer and more fertile environment, I had to bring in the darkness. Or should I say, the darkness made itself apparent and I chose not to look the other way. Abandoning the dual scripts of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘everything is falling apart’ was both deeply unfamiliar and liberating.
Choosing to reject those precepts that had underpinned my experience of my life led me to discover that they were inherited rather than innate and as such, releasing myself from their dominance enabled me to stand in my own power and take a look around! Feeling like a pioneer in an unknown land is far more synchronous with creativity than the relentless obstacle course I felt I had been running previously.
From this position, I was able to inhabit either darkness or light because the choice was finally mine to make. It is impossible to feel threatened from the outside when your inner territory is made safe and there is a gatekeeper in place. Nevertheless, I felt fiercely protective of my paintings during this period as I ventured deeper into my integrity, not knowing anything about what they would look like. It was too soon for any critical engagement so I painted curiously and almost blindly, allowing myself to be led from moment to moment, resisting the urge to analyse.
Testament (Violetta) Oil on paper, 150x130cm
This new series is something of what I have found. It speaks of how the cracks I believed I could fall into turned out to be the fabric of life. Of how darkness can be a warm cloak when the light feels chilly and exposing. Looking at these paintings, I see courage, exploration and the green shoots of identity. There is nothing original about facing down demons, but I believe that the view from the other side is always fresh and new and that expansiveness is something to be brought back and shared.
